366

 

It’s been a year..Wow.. Can I be honest.. Yesterday I was flooded with so many emotions.  Mostly negative… Mostly the “what I shoulda did” situations came to my mind.  Yeah in my first year of marriage I think I was set-up… I was waiting on someone to pop out and scream… Gotcha.. The whirlwind of what is suppose to be… I learned the hard way.. That in marriage there is no “suppose to be”…

 

Your first year of marriage is suppose to be new, fresh, uninhabited, and raw… It’s suppose to be bumpy especially when personalities are trying to mesh… The thing of it is.. I can read people very well.. I pay attention to detail and ways…I can tell you pretty much your actions before you even respond… I knew my husband before he knew me… I knew who he was… I knew his ways.. I knew he had a habit of covering up things to save face…. I knew he had female friends who wanted him… and I knew because of his “leave no enemies” personality… They would always be a problem in my life…  

 

Well when you go into a union with someone who has scars… and we all have scars but when they are from a previous marriage they tend to be fresher..or easily aggravated… My husband didn’t deserve the treatment he got from his first marriage… and I went into our marriage trying to fix the things that she messed-up.. Allowing certain actions because she didn’t… Basically letting my husband be a man… And not speaking up… As much as people think Ex-wives make marriage hell for the new wife… I haven’t dealt with that…

 

I finally can check my mail and not see shit for her… The fact that I wrote return to sender on every piece of mail that came to my house… Our mail lady even circled back around once when she saw me throw mail back in the box and lift the flag up… She laughed and said “It’ll stop soon”… and it did…

 

I have pretty much replaced every piece of furniture in our house.. Repainted.. planning on pulling out the sinks and tubs in both bathrooms next year and replacing them.. The back yard is getting a deck and we’re placing our hot tub in the ground… So the house we share was from his previous marriage.. And as much as people asked Why would you stay in a house that his ex lived in… Or how did he GET to keep the house… Well he kept the house because he had no reason to give it up… They both fought for it, and he ended up with it… because… My daughters school is in walking distance… the neighborhood is decent, we live in a cultisack  and our back yard is to die for….I have no reason of wanting to sale… So, I can deal with the fact that someone was there before… but trust, once I get done with it… It will be a home… not just a house were love had no place….

 

Back to 366… I ramble… sorry… So what was I sayin… oh.. I didn’t have to deal with the Ex… But I did have to deal with Pathetic side kicks… You know the ones that came before and during my early presence… My husband tells me all the time that I have received death wishes and hate threats… Which I can understand… How the hell can she take what I’ve put so much effort in.. those 3 hour hotel excursions meant something damnit… lol.. not.. She gets the Royal treatment and I can’t even get a meal… My husband writes me off on his taxes… He claims I am his most expensive date ever…The first year we met he showed me my name in his QuickBooks… He says I was a business expense then… now I’m a partner.. who knew…

 

My first year I had to find my swing.. I had a habit of bunting when there was no need... Now I’m swinging at everything… which also isn’t good but hey… I connect more than miss… I realize that the majority of my unhappiness came from me not voicing my concerns… The majority of my husbands unhappiness came from me waiting until he asked me 1000 times “what’s wrong” and then 3 days later saying.. ya know… you did this and that… My husband lives in the now.. as in Life is too short… I F’d up… we said sorrys… so lets move on… Whereas I am more of an  “I am mad… and I deserve to hold it in until it explodes” after the explosion I still want to nurse my wounds… And because I am a woman I get to bring it up repeatedly every time I get mad… That’s were we bump heads..

 

But 366 days later my husband knows me… he knows when I am feeling low.. he knows when I’m pissed off… and he knows when to just let me throw my pity party… He knows WE made a lot of mistakes 365 days ago.. But now on day 366… I’m happy… I would personally send every woman that my husband dealt with fruit cakes but that would be tacky…lol..

 

We won’t bring the past up.. (yeah let’s pray about that there)… And we won’t let trash from the past find it’s way into our lives… It’s trash when we come across it… throw it away again… it will always be just that trash……

 

 

 

366 The start of new…

 

 

 

All grown up...

Tomorrow is my Moms birthday... She’ll be 52.. I looked at the calendar and I almost choked.. So while I look through flowers, I feel the need to share my mom ..

 

My mom is the youngest of 5 siblings.. 4 of which are still living.. She is the baby.. and the more I age the more I see where I exactly get my demeanor from.. Not her personality, but her ways … My mom is Sarcastic.. So sarcastic, you might take her seriously.. She’s not a kissy huggy mom… Well not with me she wasn’t.. However, with My sister she was… I think I was the wake-up call to adulthood for her… she was 19 when I was conceived.. 20 when I was born.. As a Grandmother she is very affectionate.. As a mother.. as my mother.. She wasn’t…She expected a lot.. I knew everything, and she let me think I did.. She allowed me to make mistakes, she got in my ass and reminded me of them daily… I see her when I look in the mirror now.. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my daughter…

 

I can’t help but think about our journey… My earliest memory of my mom was when I had chicken pox the second time around (had chicken pox twice… once when I was 2 and the other when I was 3 ½  and I also had a mild case of small pox when I was 9)... I remember my mom telling me not to touch my face..(which didn’t work) I remember running around with socks taped to my hands.. I was about 2 ½…

 

I remember my Oma (grandmother) more than my mom at that age… My Oma explained the world to me… She told me to smile at everyone, it makes people comfortable.. She taught me how to order bread at the bakery, how to tell the difference between meats at the butchers, and how to pee outside..lol…She let me set the table during Tea time… (FYI.. Right after lunch, and about 2 hours before dinner).. She let me make Crepes in the morning and mash the potatoes for dinner… She explained the reason people stared at us… and the reason she squeezed my hand so tight when we went in the city…She protected me… She is the reason why I am “sweet”. My childhood years in Germany and every Summer up until I was 14 helped to mold me into who I am… I think that’s why I identify with Barack so much… not because he’s Bi-Racial like me… but because he had a mother that wasn’t the same color as him.. and because his Grandmother molded him…

 

The majority of my memories with me and my mom were after we moved to the States… I wish I had her “take no shit” attitude… When people watched us, she spoke up… When black women frowned, she spoke up.. Anything I wanted to pursue.. She made it happen.. When I threw a fit the first day of 3^rd grade when they made us fill out our nationality… She came to the school and told the Principle if she wants to mark both let her… It wasn’t until I was in the 6^th grade that Other would be my choice… and that stands today… My Drivers License says Other… My Passport says other… and voters card says Other…Why Other??… (Blog For Another Day) When I wanted to Swim… She paid the outrageous fee’s… She was at every competition… Cheered the loudest when I won my heat… When I made the relay team She hugged me… I won my first real trophy.. They even did a story about me on the local news when I came back from nationals in Florida… My mom wouldn’t let them ask me how I felt being the only black swimmer at my competitions.. So the story was pretty much based around the Girls relay team win… I don’t know if it was because I was the only black swimmer on the team, or if it was to make sure no one wronged me… But she was always there…Or maybe she just felt comfortable around people who looked like her for 4 hours… When my Dad was laid off in 88 I had to quit the team… She couldn’t afford to pay $150 a week for swimming lessons… I took up basketball to replace swimming… It was free… my mom didn’t come to many of my games.. It wasn’t until I was in the news paper every week that she took interest.. She never understood the game… but I could tell she was kinda proud… Come to think of it… I have had many “15 minutes of fame” growing up…lol..

 

Anyway My mom is my hero… We share something… As an Adult I get her… I am more prone to hug on her when I come home… Say I love you before we hang up… We don’t call each other often.. I think about her every day… but in the “we share something” sense… I know she thinks about me too… I also know she is JUST like me or I am just like her..lol.. I can function with out hearing her.. seeing her… but lately I find myself calling a little more… She functions with out me.. My Aunt says it’s because she knows I can fend for myself… And if I ever need anything I don’t hesitate to ask… She knew that from when I was a child… How when I was young, I entertained myself… and when I needed mom, I would go to her… My daughter was the same way… She would play for hours alone… With her imaginary friends… Now not so much… She needs attention… When I am not home.. She tortures her dad… And when he’s not home she begs him to come home..lol..

 

My mom deserves to retire and just travel… but even if I hit the lottery and gave all the money to her.. she’d probably start another business and work again… As Grown woman I think I appreciate my mom more now then I did when I was younger.. And that’s a good thing… So I picked Lily’s and roses’… Just a lil something to make her smile…until I hit the big one…

 

Hello my name is Mocha and yes I am officailly... Whipped

I grew up depending on me... I had both mom and dad in the majority of my life... I loved.. but never have I loved a man so hard that I actually thought being with out that person would alter me... I often pretend being Superwoman.. You know the foundation that holds my family together. I want to be the reason why he rushes home, blows off every pathetic lonely broad that messed up and now wants back in... In a weird way I want to know things will fall apart when I ain't around... or I can keep things together when he isn't... It's not a bad thing to want to know your husband is whipped...

In his White Tee...the one he wore all day Yesterday...has a scent of BurBerry and sweat.... curled up on his side of the bed... breathing in the scent of him from his pillow... I miss him... It's funny we haven't been apart one night... I can't sleep... I missed him Running out of the bedroom tonight....when he realizes I am watching GA.. The past 2 days he made me soup...rubbed my belly.. kissed my forehead... and checked my temperature ...

Not sure why these tears are falling... He'll be back ... I guess it's the thought of being with out...The fact that I realize my life without him... Is meaningless...

and...

When he's not here I feel a little lost... My eternal GPS is off..oh...and I'm boring... as my soon to be 10 year old says... "When's dad coming back"...

Not soon enough

He is the foundation...