Renewed

Standing in my desert alone ….once again

Tumble weed rolling I’ve embraced a cactus

Didn’t feel the pricks nor did I notice the blood

My neck was out stretched high to the sky

Eyes tightly closed slight flare in my nose

Suns kissing me hard as my walk slows

Reciting Psalms as my mouth grows dry

Sense storm is coming but I don’t know why

Winds picking up, but I don’t budge

I got a grip on a cactus… by the name of Love

Birth name mirage pronounced my rage

Defined easily as fabrication that seems to be a new craze

lies so complicated my heads a maze

I exhale as memories replay

Can’t breathe in... this bullshit.. again

So I suffocate myself as the count down begins

C-H-A-N-G-E…

I refuse to struggle it’s ok if you win

Add my name to your breed

Include the picture called naïve

Tattooed your initials on my tongue

I’ll speak well of you though your image has become….. hollow

Remembering the taste of heartache every time I swallow

I’m use to the flavor the aroma is inflamed

Your submission of hurt coincide with my pain

Drip...on my cheek drop... on my chin

Slowly awake in a river of tears

My navigation is off nothing looks familiar

This compass I call life has mislead me again

Standing in my desert alone… overlooking a new land

Tumble weed rolling I look down at my hands

Scars, scabs, jagged cuts and wounds that have slowly sealed

Once again tainted once again healed…..

~Mocha

Remember when I just wrote words...

With my arms outstretched openly awaiting this new seasons sun I embrace fresh starts even though their entangled by memories of old burns flaking hurts that reveal permanent freckles got my face looking like midnight sky’s after comets tail leaves a trail across my eyes can't wait for that first Spring breeze makes my body bend like blades of grass after morning dew sprinkles across my neck and down my ass Winters worn out it's stay got me burned out with layer after layer of past thoughts ready to dip my knees in realistic ponds skinny dipping with new eyes that promise new thangs new lives new train of thoughts new beginnings for this withered rose whose been up rooted and replanted so many times fertilized by lie after lie no matter who waters my soul still ends up being left thirsty and cold untold is my story of numerous new beginnings same book different chapter new character same attitude which moves me to reason without a doubt that new beginning your talking about is just a trim of what’s to come along with bullshit that will make the newest treat turn a trick without a lick of enthusiasm bored into spasms unwilling to refrain or restrain the lack of interest looking to start over even though my chapter never finished the conclusion never came never got to summarize the possibilities with a picture in the index instead I skipped all over the main topic got everyone questioning my logic got people all in my mix reading my this new project wondering what’s next It's just like that hit change clothes even though that same styles on a different hoe not knowing what the hype is about not feeling the same beat you're rocking out seems as if your off beat off rhythm and what not....

Just words...

Why is marriage so complicated?

Get that old thang back

It seems like the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012 was the straw that broke the camels back for some couples.. I heard more “we’re getting divorced” stories than I’ve ever heard in my life. Funny thing is when people go through ups and downs you tend to look at your own marriage. For me its a time to be thankful for what I have and also fine tune some things that may have been unattended. Life has it’s way of moving you along. You dont realize things happen until it gets brought to your attention. When it does and its something that you have neglected its had to take ownership. Replenish the lingerie draw, invest in matching underwear, and stop pulling your hair back. May sound simple enough, but trust me once you get into a habit it’s hard to break it.

Marriage is what you make of it

I use to say if you’re unhappy fix it. Communicate. What do you do if you’ve communicated your issues for years and nothing changed? At some point choices have to be made and ties have to be cut. For some people divorce is the only option. When you no longer love the person you are with, if you are doing that person more harm than good, or if your future isn’t part of your partners story than its time. Some people benefit from divorce. I know my husband did. I knew him before he divorced and after. I can honestly say divorce was the best thing that happened to him. I wont take any credit for his happiness. Some people just dont belong together. If you can’t look at your spouse and see yourself with them in 20 or 30 years, if you can’t imagine the two of you shuffling off to IHOP for the senior special. You definitely need to re-evaluate your life and the persons life you are holding hostage.

~Mocha

Who do you want me to be?

I suppose at some point and time I lost myself. Losing who you are while trying to become one with someone is easy. You become this person who is a variation of you but also someone new.. You're not someone different you just picked up new ideas of what would make you more tolerable...wait... likeable.. not that I'm not likeable.. its just.. I dunno.. what funny things love does... it masks the unlikeable and makes it tolerable.. but when love dust settles and you're breathing and eye sight clears... you see things that were overlooked.. Not that you stopped loving.. your just not high off of love anymore.. you're still addicted.. you've just come down... So how do I get the high back... find myself..

Put together everything I've pulled apart and stripped down.. and find that rawness I've misplaced.. I've become complacent. Predictable.. Hardest thing to hear, is what your not doing right.. I think I've come to understand that you can't make everyone 100% happy with you.. but what you can do is try.. only thing about that is the more you try to be someone new and improved.. the old you the original version that attracted them to you becomes watered down.. so exactly what are you... who are you... good question..

Question: Why have I stopped blogging?

Where the HELL have you been?

Ha! I have so much to share but so little patience to do it. I've been off living life, creating memories,evaluating hardships.. on my own.. All I can say is that 2010 can kiss my ass.. I have 2 1/2 months to try and make this year just "ok". Seriously this year SUCKED. Everyone has a bad year. This one is mine I guess. I miss writing. I miss figuring out my purpose here. Maybe thats why I've become discombobulated ?? lmao.. oh well.. I'm here.. you know I'm here.. I'll finish this. Hand to God.

~Mocha

Bring in the New Year.

 

Happy New Year!!!

 

I know I’m 8 days late, but I’ve been busy.. It has taken me 8 days to figure out what most declare on the 31^st.  I have never done resolutions.  A resolution is something that you make when making simple changes hasn’t worked.  Or when you’ve done something, and it bites you in the ass so you decide to quit doing it…on the 31^st.  It takes me a couple of days to just back and say ok where am I going this year. 

 

Last year

 

Disclaimer:  These statements are about me… it in no way is meant to cast a shadow on my better half …lol..

 

I was Newly married and had no clue what the year would bring, hell I wasn’t steering it.  I think I was in lala land looking out a window, and my car just happened to stay in the street…  A lot of things happened that I wish wouldn’t have.  I LEARNED a hell of a lot in my 1^st year in marriage.  I found myself towards the middle of the year and realized that just because I was NEW doesn’t mean I needed to be lead by the hand.  Sometimes, when something is so new and so uninhibited, you tend to automatically take the passenger seat especially when the driver has driven on that road before.  You take that drivers opinions of that road and you adjust yourself to what is “natural”.  Instead of taking the wheel and just driving, I found myself questioning every movement as if it were wrong.  Even if it felt right…..

 

 

If you have followed me for awhile, you KNOW I love analogies… it makes things simple.  And if you know me you know I like simple.  NO ONE reads the manual to a car or new phone when they get it… We just cut “it” on.. and we try and figure “it” out ourselves…and based on the past or what we remember others doing we pretty much guess on what to do and what not to do… We all know where the manual is, we all know right and wrong way of doing things… the only time we go to a manual is when “it” breaks or does something abnormal… Now two things can happen when “it” malfunctions… You can say oh well and get a new one…. Even though you’ve invested time, emotion, energy, and money into “it”…. Or you fix “it”…. My air bag went off…my phone refused to send signals…lol… and…Well I had to go to the manual… my personality is one that I hate failure..I like being able to show that I managed to keep something working.

 

Example:   I have a 97 Grand Jeep Cherokee.. body is in good condition… inside looks brand new… because I put work into it… it runs smooth…  one morning it wouldn’t start.. transmission was gone… now everyone around me had newer cars, and of course car notes… so the minute they heard me say I needed a new transmission they said… you should save that $3000 and use it as a down payment on a new car… you have great credit… that’s what I would do… Not once thinking 11yrs still looks like new… first major problem ever had… fix it…

 

Anyway… I had some old ways that I brought into my new life… I have a habit of shutting down when ever I feel like it…I go into my own little world and shutting everyone else out… When I was told that these old ways weren’t healthy in my marriage… my defenses went up and my stubborn nature took over… and I basically ignored the problem… Bad Idea I know that NOW… I’m not ashamed to say that I didn’t feel communication was that important in marriage.. Especially when I felt like that’s the only part of me I could control…  What I learned is that marriage isn’t about controlling the other person.  It’s about adapting and merging… coinciding and evolving…nurturing and protecting… loving and communicating… BUT… it’s also about being able to keep ones identity… If you can’t be yourself.. you definitely can’t be happy… So after reading the manual… I realized a lot about myself… and a lot about my marriage… I found out what makes me happy and that just because you’ve been on a road before doesn’t mean the experience will be the same the second time… I’ve said it before I felt like the beginning of my marriage I was quoting one of Shakespeare’s plays…Screaming “Out damn spot out”… No matter how much you want to rid yourself of the past… it is what it is… the past… you can paint over it… you can out perform it… you can not speak of it… it will always be part of you… The easiest way to control it… is acknowledging… understanding.. and over looking… it… and continue living…

 

 

Don’t get me I’m not blaming the driver.  It’s natural to avoid bumps that you’ve felt before, to not allow short cuts because of past mishaps, or to disregard new directions because they may seem unfamiliar.  It’s quite natural to try to stay two steps ahead of what made you fail the first time… I think this year WE realized that it’s a lesson… We have learned from mistakes and now we live…

 

This Year

 

I am continuing the stride I started.  I will not let 08 determine my life in 09… I openly would like to experience new problems… I encourage new fights… I look forward to new outcomes… I acknowledge that the past will resurface at the most unpredictable times… I understand that no one has control over this… I enjoy the fact that Katt Williams said if I had haters I’m doing something right… I willingly admit I have the greatest husband in the world.. and…. I welcome all jealousy… Hi Haters..

 

Peace.. and Love…